Lisa Alexander, with Ryan Dosier - Today we have the start of a brand new series here on The Muppet Mindset: "The Muppet Mindset's How To," where we provide Muppet fans with a set of instructions to reach a goal.
Today's How To is sure to interest all of you pet lovers out there. How many of you, when watching
Fraggle Rock see Doc's beloved and awesome dog, Sprocket, think to yourself, "Boy howdy, self, I would just
love it if my tired and boring dog was more like the expressive and magnificent Sprocket."
Well, Muppet fans, we at The Muppet Mindset have the solution! Yes, by simply following our patent-pending 11-step system, you too can be on your way to having a funny, furry companion much like Sprocket!
The Muppet Mindset Apathetically Presents...
HOW TO...
Train Your Dog... To Be Like Sprocket
- Get a dog. Preferably a highly animated dog. Even more preferably a dog performed by Steve Whitmire.
- Make sure you are as crazed as Doc. Most of Sprocket's quirkiness probably stemmed from Doc being Doc. So... get to work on that. (If you're following these rules, you're well on your way.) Make sure to have a fascination with the world around you. Be incredibly curious about the way everything works, go crazy over scientific research, and find a NEW way to sew a button onto a fried egg. (They just take so long to freeze...)
- Put a hole in the wall (if one does not already exist there).
- Be sure to encourage and include your dog in all of your misadventures and curiosities. Your dog will make a fantastic assistant, handing you wrenches and sledgehammers and a can of dog food while it tries to tell you about the furry creatures living behind your wall. (If you manage to get any. Try some radish-bait.)
- Teach your dog to stand on its hind legs.
- Move into a house where you can hear the Pipe Bangers. (Preferably on/near a cave.)
- Train your dog in the following arts: using the bathroom outside, eating, behaving in the bath, keeping quiet when trying to sleep, enjoying praline ice cream, paranoia of things inside a hole in the wall, and pantomime.
- Make sure your neighbor has an impossible-to-spell last name and an evil cat.
- Never believe a thing your dog is "telling" you. This increases its paranoia of things living in the hole.
- Pay plenty of attention to your dog. Expression comes from love! (Or is that just an expression?)
- Above all else, love your dog. It's when you CARE about your dog that you truly understand its every expression--and once you've mastered that, you don't really need it to tap-dance with a rose in its mouth in attempt to avoid the vet.
DISCLAIMER: The Muppet Mindset does not now, nor does it ever, believe that any or all of these steps will make your dog more like Sprocket. Sprocket is one of a kind and, confidentially, a puppet (or so I've been told) (I don't really believe it, but that's what my lawyers tell me). Also, Steve Whitmire does not work for private vendors performing a pet dog, so don't ask. Trust me. I asked him once and he just laughed in my face. Steve is a great guy, but having him laugh in your face is more than slightly discouraging. What was I talking about? Oh. Right. The legal stuff. Umm... so yeah, don't sue us, okay? For starters, we don't have any money. And plus, our lawyer is Rizzo... and between you and me, he don't come cheap.
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier
